If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
