Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
