I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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