Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
