i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
