you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
