....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
