im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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