just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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