I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
