i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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