Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
