He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
