Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
