im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
