Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
