Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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