i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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