I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
