No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
