My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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