haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
