Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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