I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
