Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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