It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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