I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
