My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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