conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
