she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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