Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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