Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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