Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Soap is not a condiment
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
