We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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