be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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