I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
