I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
false alarm, still single
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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