U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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