Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
