She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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