So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
