The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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