His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I touched a dick in church today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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