There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
