I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
