He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
