Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
