My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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