Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
