allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
