allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
