Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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