its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
