i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
