would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
