these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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