epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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