Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
40s are totally the cure
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
