:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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