Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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