My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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