Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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