allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
