i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
